Guarding your sleep
by Andra-ggfan
Summary: There's something about summers that always brings back his nightmares. And when she finally gets tired of him pushing her away, she tries to understand and fight for him. But what are they hiding behind their words? Literati one-shot.


**A/N: This story started from a sentence in 'Absolution' and basically just grew by itself. I'm just trying to explore what's not being said, rather then what is. There's no real time-line. Thanks go to the amazing live4ska for the beta. I hope you like it.  
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* * *

The first time it happened, she was woken up by his body furiously shaking, sweat running down his face and body, seeping into the sheets, his small whimpers and gasps for air. She didn't know what to do so she just took his hand, calling his name over and over again, until he woke up. When he did, fear was written all over his face. She had hugged him and told him he was safe, nothing was wrong, she was there. He nodded, words escaping him.

He started working at night, reading, writing, anything, pushing himself until he was exhausted just so he could sleep. He blamed it on the insufferable heat. There was always something about heat and the smell of melting asphalt that reminded him of that summer.

She learned to sleep lightly just so she could notice the signs and he wouldn't have to bear through it all alone.

He shut her out because it was just the easiest way.

She started to cry when he wasn't home because there was nothing else she could do.

* * *

One night, when she's in bed waiting for him -he's in the living room again, scribbling again- she decides she's had enough. Getting up, she walks to the other room and stands in the doorway, looking at him. She sees the bags under his eyes, no doubt matching hers and can't remember how it felt like to hold him and not worry. How it felt to have him not surrounded by inside an invisible cocoon that she isn't strong enough to break through.

She kneels in front of him, tears gathered in the corner of her eyes and pushes a strand of hair out of his face, biting her lower lip.

"I can't keep this up like it is, Jess." Her voice is trembling and she swears her heart is beating so fast it might just break through her ribs and end up at their feet, bleeding and still furiously pounding. "I need you to need me." Her words are simple but they both know she's hiding behind them. She doesn't want to tell him the truth and hurt him even more then he's already hurting. So she chooses the way she finds easiest. But what she doesn't tell him is _"I've been crying every day for the last two months when you're not here, so you don't see me, and it doesn't hurt you. We need to find a way to make it, we can't not make it, I don't know how to not have you in my life. Don't make things perfect for me. I don't need you to be perfect, I like your flaws, I know I can't fix it but I can help, please trust me, you won't scare me away."_

"Ror…" He doesn't know how to say all he wants to say. _"Don't make me tell you this, let it be as it is, you don't need to know all this, it wouldn't do any good, I have to try to protect you from the bad I've known."_

"Don't. Just…tell me about them." And while the tears finally drop from her eyes, dancing slowly on her cheeks, her lips quivering and breath hitched, hoping he won't hide again. _"I love you, so much, but I can't let you hurt me like this, you don't even know what you do to me, there is nothing worse than seeing you in pain. I can't give up, I will keep on trying, please let me make you happy."_

"You don't know what you're asking." He closes his eyes as he says those words and his voice is soft, so soft she barely hears the words. _"I have to keep you perfect, why taint you with my past, you can't change it? Let me keep it away from you."_

"Maybe not. But tell me anyway." Getting up on her feet she pulls him next to her and hugs him, tightly, so tightly. _"Your words won't change me, won't kill me, won't hurt me more than your silences. I'm stronger than I look. Just for once, let me be the one that supports you. Do more than guard your sleep."_

"Why?" His hands tangled in her hair, cold sweat running down his face, scared, so scared of losing her. _"Why are you always here? Why do you want to know? Why do you fight for me? Why don't you see that you are too good for me? Why do you __**love**__ me?"_

"Because we have no other choice." She smiles through the tears and kisses his cheek, knowing she's winning. _"Because you don't let me lie to myself, because you see me for who I am, because you don't expect anything from me, because you love me like I never knew I could be loved."_

"And if it doesn't change anything?" He asks, still trying to change her mind. _"It won't stop the nightmares, nothing can stop them. Don't make me relive those times by telling you, it's bad enough when I dream about it." _

"And if it does?" She counters his question, running her hands over his back and closing her eyes, trying to push back the new wave of tears getting ready to rush down her face. _"I have to know what we're fighting. I have to know you want me to fight next to you."_

She sits down on the couch, pulling him down with her and wraps her arms around him, making him lean back on her. Softly kissing his temple, she runs her hand through his hair. "Tell me. " _"I know you don't want to look at me when you talk about them, I know you better than you think. I am more like you then you imagine."_

Closing his eyes, he stops her hand and places a kiss on her palm, sighing softly.

"I guess there isn't really a good way to begin this. Her eyes….' he forces out, "blank and void, motionless as she lay on the floor of the bathroom. The sound of the sirens, deafening, maddening, and then someone's hands pulling me away. Trying to revive her, all those needles, carrying her away on that stretcher and the heat…"

He goes on with his story, telling her about everything else. The screaming. The cursing. The times she'd be gone for days in a row. The times when she couldn't even remember his name. He tells her about the boyfriend she had that summer that would push and hit him to get him out of the way. How he became used to it. How he saw her one day looking at them and not even trying to defend him, because he was supplying her with all she wanted. How that hurt so much more than anything else.

The summer had ended and she had gone to rehab but not before the nightmares had become a part of who he was. He managed to hide them from Luke. He thought he could hide them from her.

When he finishes his story, he doesn't even dare look at her.

"It's ok if it changes something." His breathing is slow and steady, but his fingernails are digging deep into his palm. _"You don't have to love me the same way again, it's ok to love me less, it's ok to want to go away. I'd understand. You don't have to look at me the same way. How could you?"_

Blinking a few times quickly to push away her tears, she leans her head and rests it on his shoulder, looking at him and running his hand down his cheek. She kisses a stray tear away.

"It doesn't." _"How could you think it would? If anything, it makes me love you more."_

Finally opening his eyes, he looks at her only to find the same look that was always there. Her blue eyes, clouded with sadness and anger, but so much love in them that he forgets how to breathe for a second. He turns around and picks her up in his arms, crushing his mouth to hers, forgetting about gentleness. Passion and love pouring into their kiss until they are both out of air and he has to pull back. She smiles and traces his lips with her fingers, placing butterfly kisses on the corner of his mouth.

"You're so much more then I should have." He smiles again. _"More then I deserve, more than I've ever dreamed of, more…just so much more than I thought I could ever get."_

"No, I'm not." _"You don't even know how amazing you are, how happy you make me, how I choke at the thought of losing you again. Stop putting me on this pedestal, I'll just fall and break us both."_ She kisses his forehead. "I wish I could make you forget." _"I can't, I know it, I just wish I could. You shouldn't have had to know that." _

Instead of answering, he kisses her again, words useless and thoughts overwhelming. _"I'll never be able to tell you everything, all I feel, all you are to me. Forgive me, I'm scarred but I love you." _

Their clothes abandoned on the floor, they forget about apologies, promises and past. Whispered 'I love you's and gentle touches exchanged between them.

That night, she doesn't sleep. Instead, she watches his restless sleep, running her hands through his hair and hoping one day she'll find a way to do more.


End file.
